omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
