M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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