i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
