Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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