if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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