Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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