I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
