I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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