Your mouth is God's brothel.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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