He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
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You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
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How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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