AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
