How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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