shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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