so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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