I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Randomize
