Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You smell like stripper and shame
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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