I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
