i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
