he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
