The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
