I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
