She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
