If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
