wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
