glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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