How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
