omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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