apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
