An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
