i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
