Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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