Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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