3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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