in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
now i know why i became what i already was.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Alive.
So much puke
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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