I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
