It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Damn victory sex feels great
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
