fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
We just shotgunned beers for America
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
