Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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