Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
