I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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