i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
