and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
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Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
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fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
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