They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
