Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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