I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Randomize
