We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
