textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
