My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
