Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you win again, gameday.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
