she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
