I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Someone came in the potted fern
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
