Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
