I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
