the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
