My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
