my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
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Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
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do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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