Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
