we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
