The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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