I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
