I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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