went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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